My Honest Truth

My faith is being tested and I'm scared, I'm concerned, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm not sure what to do. I try my best to be positive and optimistic about life and what I am going through. I have had 2 kidney transplants, I am on dialysis for the second time, I have had seizures and countless surgeries. My faith is being tested because I am still waiting to hear if I will be allowed a 3rd kidney transplant. I wish dialysis never existed, I wish nephrologists never existed, I wish kidney failure never existed - I'm scared. I have support from my family and my friends which I am so very thankful for, however, sometimes it is a burden. I feel that I always have to be positive but the truth is, there are times by myself I break down and I feel like I am letting people down. I struggle when people say that I am an inspiration to them for my attitude towards what I am going thru. With social networks these days and everyone posting everything about everything, I get caught up in posting the good things in my life - I'm guilty. My honest truth is that I HATE dialysis, I HATE how I feel after my dialysis treatment, I HATE that my family has to make sacrifices for me, I HATE that I have to take medicine everyday, I HATE that I have to watch the food that I eat and monitor the fluid I drink. This is a part of my life and although I have accepted it and live with it - I HATE IT!! After my second transplant, I was coming home from a work conference and admitted to a colleague that I wasn't sure if I would ever do dialysis again. I felt comfortable confiding in her because she had also been through what I have been through; dialysis, 2 kidney transplants etc. Now I am on dialysis again with the hope of the approval of getting back on the transplant list for a 3rd time - I'm concerned. The thought of living on dialysis the rest of my life is hard for me. I know I can do it however I'm not sure I want to. I have a beautiful and supportive wife and 2 wonderful children and I struggle with what they are going trough for me. I feel selfish with my thoughts that if I were to stop dialysis treatments. Is it the right thing to do? For my children to grow up without me, for my wife to have to raise them without me, I'm selfish - I'm not what to do. I pray for the approval for a 3rd transplant and put this behind me. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be honest. My faith is being tested and I'm scared. I'm angry and frustrated that I have to go through this again. I'm not giving up and that is My Honest Truth.

A quick update

Morgan and I had our first post-op check-up yesterday. In normal Doctor office fashion, if you're not the first one seen, you have a wait. I've grown patient with doctors when they are running behind - after all I prefer my doctor gives the proper attention to his/her patients rather than rush through things and something gets missed. The wait wasn't long only about 10 min. and Dr. Rajab came in with a big smile on his face. This was the first time I was meeting him, but Torre exchanged hello's like they've been long time friends. He even took time to chat with Tuck and ask if he was going to be a doctor some day. All things being what they are, Dr. Rajab is very satisfied with they way things are going. He was telling me the person who received the other kidney had to endure more dialysis and that his transplant was just now starting to work 5 weeks later. Since I have been through this before and understand the levels and functions when I see my bloodwork results I get a little cautious - but have resigned to the attitude if they are happy with where things are - then so am I! The best news actually was not that I got my staples out and actually did not even come when I saw him, it came later in the day when I checked the result of my bloodwork and saw my creatinine was the lowest since 2009 at 2.35. So I think we are definitely on our way :-D

My Journey has just begun!

I enjoy reading and using quotes whenever I get the chance - "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". Well not today, that day would have been January 19th 2013, but you get the picture. I thought the day I was transplanted would have been the end of my journey but as I reflect - it really was the beginning. When I think about it so much has happened over the past 3 years that the old me would have thought it was the end. There were a lot of sacrifices made over that time, not only by me but by those around me, especially my wife and children. I had seizures that probably would not have happened if I was not on dialysis. I turned inward as a defense mechanism to deal with things the way I knew I could handle them, possibly changing relationships forever. Like I said, the old me probably would have thought that journey had ended. I have grown too much in that time to think that way any more, instead I believe it is just the beginning!! I was never on dialysis for my first transplant I never knew what that was like, maybe I took things for granted. I'm sure about this though, I am so very thankful for both of my heroes and their decision to give the gift of life!! I want to end this as I began it, with a quote, "the longest journey begins with a single step".

The Back-Up

My phone wrang and I wish I could have seen the expression on my face. When I answered, it was my transplant coordinator, explaining I was the back-up for a transplant. During the transplant process they call a couple of people at the same time, one being the primary and at least one as the back-up. After I hung up, my day went on as normal, after all I was the back-up. Later that evening during date night with Torre the phone wrang and it was a number I did not recognize, and it was a different transplant coordinator explaining that for some reason the primary person did not work out and they were calling me in for transplant. The moment was surreal and I was calm, probably one of the most calm moments I have ever had in my life and there was a flurry of notifying people of what was going on. After Sara got to our house to be with Mari and Tuck, Torre and I headed out to pick up her mom Carol. We got to the hospital in a leisurely manner and things were underway. For my last transplant things seemed to move much faster so my expectation was the same for this one. Things started to pick-up around 8 am when the Doctor came in to place my central line and all of a sudden my surgery time was moved up from 2:30 pm to 9:00 am. The only problem with that was I didn't get to see Torre before heading to the OR. I remember getting on the operating table and that was about it for the rest of the day. The prayers and support I have received have been very humbling not only for me but for my wife and children too. Torre and I always talk about "it takes a village" and to see and feel the love from my village is overwhelmingly AWESOME!!

Happy New Year!!

It would be easy to say I'm glad 2012 is coming to a close and I'm ready for 2013 to begin. I said that last year and to be honest I did not give credit to 2011 and all the good things that happened that year. 2011 was a tough year and looking back on 2012 it was also a tough year, but many good things happened in both years as well! I've grown so much as a person in both years and my entire thought process is perception. I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2013 but I try really hard to live in the moment. This year I have had the opportunity to be with my family and do things most people do not get to do. We went on our first family vacation to Disney World and the kids and I continued our annual camping trip on Father's day weekend with the Harr's. We even got Torre to go on her first tent camping experience with Kientz on Bald Eagle. 2013 is going to be a great year for me and 2014 will be even better and 2015 better yet. Not because bad things will happen or things will not be tough, they will be, but because it is how I will respond to them. I have learned from my tough experiences and that is why things will be better. Like the saying "it's not how many times you get knocked down but how many times you get up" I have gotten up every time! I have learned every time and most important I have appreciated every experience. In my opinion, if something happens that is difficult it is easier to look at it in a negative way, and harder to find something positive - my goal is to find the positive! In 2013 my resolution is to find the positive in every situation and to treat everyone in a respectful manner. I have been grumpy and tired and frustrated way to much recently and that is not fair to my family, friends and people that I don't even know. I have many things to look forward to in 2013 and there will be many new beginnings to look forward to. I will get my kidney transplant and I will begin a new career path. I will be happier and cherish the relationships that I have and the new relationships that begin. I will be more involved in my community and get out more - I will not retreat inward any more. I will communicate more effectively with my wife, children and friends. This will make 2013 even better than any other year. 2011 was a good year and I learned a lot, 2012 was a better year because I learned even more. I will make 2013 better and every year after even better, not because tough things will not happen but rather I will get up every time I fall down. Happy New Year to my family, friends and everyone - may god bless you all!!!

A New Found Family

It has been well over a year since I have posted in my blog and I am glad to say my inspiration for this post is my beautiful wife, Torre. To say nothing has happened in that time would not be an accurate statement - a lot has happened. I am not going to try and catch you up, maybe another day. I will however update you regarding my dialysis and transplant status. February 2013 I will be on the transplant list for 3 years and I still have not heard anything, but I am prepared for the day the call comes. With dialysis, it has been a journey. For my last transplant I was never on dialysis so this time around things have definitely been different. In the beginning, I had a pretty good attitude, now things feel like the movie "Groundhog Day". Waking up at 4AM to get there on time after going to bed at 1AM I'm pretty much in a daze the rest of the day. I don't want to go to bed that late, but my body does not let me sleep before then. I have moved into a resentment phase of dialysis and I am really ready for transplant, if only they would just call... Don't get me wrong there are things that help me get through my treatments so they are not too bad. I would say the number 1 thing are the nurses and techs at my center. They are family to me and take really good care of me. It is noticeable with their care and concerns of me. Hopefully I will not take as long to post again, but for now I will say goodbye until next time!!

He gets it!!

I would guess that he was in his early 20's and seemed to be some type of a shift manager. Maybe an assistant manager, but seemed to be a pretty bright guy and very welcoming. I had gone into the "Wendy's" for an Oreo twisted frosty and he was the one that greeted me.

I decided to go into the store rather than going through the drive-thru because I had a somewhat unusual request. When I place my order I also asked for a small coke, but I wanted the cup to be full of ice and only a quarter the way filled with coke. Since I am limited with my fluid intake and chewing ice helps with my frequent thirst I find it kills 2 birds with 1 stone :)

After I over-explained my restraints on fluids and he gave his apologies of having to charge me for the full cup he decided to give me a medium cup with my request and charged me for a small. He started to turn away and then said "Only 32 ounces? how do you do it" and then grabbed a large cup and said "this is 40 ounces - this is more than a full day of fluid for you, I drink 1 of these each meal"

It has been a while since I have had that feeling. The feeling of someone actually understanding what it is like to have a limitation out of their control. People going through the limitations understand what it is like, but I have found very few people who actually get it that are not going through it - I guess it is the small things in life!!

I WONDER....

Depending on which chair you happen to be in on that day will determine how quickly you see who enters the door. It may be a sweet elderly lady who has been married to her husband for 65 years who the tech is questioning on secrets to a long and happy marriage. It may be the gentleman who uses a walker to get to his chair accompanied by his son who always engages in a game of UNO to pass the time. It may even be the guy who you used to help at work so many years ago and by coincidence you happen to go to the same center.

Regardless of who they are, everyone has a story and when you have the time and enjoy people watching like me, if you don't know their story, you let your imagination have a little fun. Have you ever wondered what your life is going to be like at a different time than it is right now? I know that is probably a loaded question but think of how your life is right now ... now think forward 25 to 30 years.

I can only make assumptions that I may have to be on dialysis at some point in my future. If that is the case I imagine that it will hopefully be at least 25 to 30 years from now. I let my imagination take me there and play out different scenarios.

Will I be driving myself seeing someone I used to work with? Will my son be taking time out of his week to play UNO with me while I use my walker to get across the room? Will my wife be rolling me across the room in a wheel chair watching my struggle to stay awake while she fumbles to watch the tiny TV?

For now it is nice to wonder and enjoy the scenario that I am living. It may not be the most desirable for most people, but everyone has problems. Like the tacky but true saying goes - "It's not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get up that matters".

The dad machine

Looking in from the outside you can see a red suction cup on the full length glass door. Attached to the the suction cup is a thin white string and it leads to a funny looking contraption. The funny looking object is a combination of a television and radio that is some how joined to work together.

It takes a little bit of time to figure out where I am and what is going on. It dawns on me I am at the house I grew up in, but like most dreams how they merge objects and scenarios into one I realize that I am on the deck of my current house and I am looking in the glass door that I can look out any time that I want right now. The furniture inside is the furniture that I currently sit on. The 2 main differences are 1. the house is different and 2. I am no longer among the living.

This is my utopia, the ability to spend my eternity watching over my two beautiful children and my wonderful wife. What makes it better is the suction cup with the white string leading to the "dad machine" that Tucker has created to look in on me when he misses me. This is the one creation that is able to stay in place where all others are put away by the end of the day.

This was one of the very vivid experiences I had in the Neuro ICU.

I remember it so well, almost too well. Before I had my seizures, I thought I had made my peace with this world. When I say this I hope it is understood that if I happen to pass away into the next world that I would be OK with it and ready for it to happen. It turns out that I am not sure I have made all the peace.

I say this because the same night I experienced my utopia, I also experienced what my total nightmare would be to spend my eternity. The nightmare experience would be to spend my eternity trapped in one place forever not being able to move only looking at the same thing forever. It happened to be the ceiling over the bed I was in at ICU. It did not help that the nurse taking care of me that particular night was wearing all red, or that I was "leathered" to the bed but that is for another day.

I came to call this the night I experienced purgatory. What a relief I had when I was talking to my clergy about this experience and they explained to me that our faith does not believe in purgatory - whew!!

It's only 3 1/2 hours

I've been trying to avoid this for as long as possible, but the time has come that if I do not add another entry here, I might as well turn it off all together - so here goes you'll have to let me know what your thoughts are if it should continue......

The room is different and the people there are different. I'm not sure how different, but it is different. For one the room is different - it's smaller and there are not as many chairs. The staff is different too - there are not as many people and the way they carry themselves is much different. Even the time of day is different - now I go in the afternoon rather than the morning.

After I spent 12 days in the hospital, 10 in ICU and 2 in step-down, the doctor wanted to change things up a little. He changed a lot of things, the location, my medications, the time of day, even the doctor that I see. All of them seem to have made a difference - but things are different. After 3 weeks, I know things are different, I am just still trying to figure out if they are different in a good way or bad.

I am looking at it as I only have to be there for 3 1/2 hours, well, it's actually a little more with the hook-up and disconnect it ends up being about 4 hours - but I still only look at it as about 3 1/2 hours, I guess it's the optimist in me. I get to dissolve into life and watch a 6 inch TV, listen to other patients talk to the TV or even catch a little shut-eye at times on good days, either way you look at it I do feel better and do not have the head aches like I did before.

It surprises me that I look at things the way I do now, I had quite an experience while I was in the hospital - which will have to wait for another entry or most likely a face to face conversation. Its too long to put here, but lets just say it involves hallucinations and even being "leathered-down" everyone who came to visit me had the enjoyment of listening to me rattle off the experience while I was a little drugged up which probably made it that much more enjoyable to listen to.

I know I have changed since my 12 day stay at Riverside, I just hope I have not lost whatever I had before. Things have also influenced me since things have changed with my chair time, but like I have told my new techs - it's only 3 1/2 hours...

WWYD?

"Get busy living or get busy dying" - One of my favorite quotes from the movie Shawshank Redemption.

I received a prayer quilt this afternoon from my church. I was quite honored to get it and to see all of the people who sent well wishes and prayers for me. I knew a bunch of names, but there were far more names that I did not recognize. I have always felt that prayers are very powerful, and to have almost complete strangers wishing me well, I was very overwhelmed.

It amazes me how one day you have one feeling or emotion and two weeks later you could feel totally different - after all I was terminated from my job via e-mail almost 2 weeks ago. Now here I am getting a wonderful quilt and signed booklet from people who are sending me prayers and well wishes. I also have had some people reach out to me to see how I have been doing and helping to put me in contact with other people to help me find a new career path.

I have always wondered about the "WWJD" campaign and how it started or what would Jesus actually do in some situations, but to be honest I like "WWYD" better meaning "What Would You Do?". I used to work with a guy, I always thought he was a little goofy, but he really had some good points so I will leave you with this as he would often say "To be honest I think your real character is if you were in a room and all the lights were turned off and no one would know it was you who- however you would act at that point in that situation is your real character." So I ask you, how would you act in a dark room where people did not know it was you in the room?

That's not that bad daddy!!

"That's not that bad daddy!!" -- It's amazing how the words of a 6 year old can change things so quickly. I know the news that I received this past Thursday is not really that bad, and to some it may even be welcomed news, even my Doctor said if he was on dialysis it is what he would do. So what is this devastating news?? What is the news that is so shocking to me and seem to turn my world upside down?? I was told that the Peritoneal dialysis I am on is not working and that I will have to switch to Hemo dialysis.

Having a tube hang out of my stomach was an adjustment and now I will just have to adjust to having a fistula in my arm. The difference is when I had my next transplant, the tube would come out but the fistula will remain in my arm for the rest of my life. I know it is a pretty petty thought for what I have to go through, but for some reason it is really difficult for me and I am having a difficult time with it - after all it is my body and I will have to live with the constant reminder for the rest of my life.

It all comes down to perspective. I have to make some changes in my routine, but with those changes some really good things come!! My bedroom will not really look like a hospital room any more. I will be able to lie on my stomach the little things that I have missed will be returned to me.

I always seem to get a dose of reality every time I think things are tough for me. After I had my Dr. appointment on Thursday it took a little time, but I came to terms of the changes that are coming my way. A day later, I learned that a high school classmate of mine was just recently diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. So for me to have to change the type of dialysis I am on and have to live with the fistula for the rest of my life, when I put it into perspective, things are not even close to what others have to go through.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you Joe and your family.

Its better than the alternative

I cannot believe how long it has been since I have blogged last. I would like to say that a lot has happened and I have been so busy that I have not had the time to blog, but that really is not the case. The truth is, it has just been off my mind and every time I think about blogging - I get distracted by one thing or another.

Another reason that I have been away from blogging is that I think my optimism may have just about run out. I have tried so hard to be positive and open minded and willing to go with what ever is thrown at me during this whole process, but I think I have reached a point were at the very minimum I have to release some frustration.

If I hear "Its better than the alternative" one more time, I just may blow. How does anyone know what I am going through is better than the alternative? Have they gone through what I am going through? Have they experienced the "alternative"?

The reason for my not so jovial attitude is that the Peritoneal Dialysis that I am on is not working the way it should and there is a possibility that I will have to discontinue it and switch to Hemo Dialysis.

I apologize if I am letting anyone down and not typing the happy-go-lucky type stuff that I usually do but I just had to do it, if only this one time.

There it is ... do I feel better? I don't really know right now - I guess time will tell.

The road is done

"The road is done. You're home Joe..." - this was a post on a group page on Facebook, it was under a link to YouTube.com for the song "Amazing Grace".

I had met Joe 9 or 10 years ago where I worked at the time. Joe was one of the good guys, you could ask him anything and he would do his best to help out. He was a straight shooter and always got to the point, something I've always appreciated.

Joe passed away on Saturday July 31, 2010 losing his battle with stomach cancer he was 41.

I learned of Joe's passing as we (my family) were getting ready to go to the pool. The day was beautiful and although I cannot get in the water I can still grab some sunshine. There were clouds in the sky and as I watched my wife, daughter and son head into the pool, I looked up and saw a very prominent image in the clouds. I saw what looked like a very visible angel. There wasn't a face, just a body, a very round head, wings and just above the head a halo. It was amazing.

Even though I haven't seen or talked with Joe in a while I'll miss him.

There's just no easy way to hear about it and there's no easy way to talk about it, CANCER SUCKS!!

Joe is survived by his wife and 3 children ages 6, 4, and 6 months.

Therapy

As I entered the room a little before 7 pm, I could hear the piano loud and clear playing some great music. I took my seat at the table and was there about 5 or 10 minutes enjoying the sound coming from the opposite side of the room when I decided to look up and noticed it was not a piano, but rather a keyboard that was being played. A few minutes later, I looked over again and for the first time that the person playing the piano was a young, and I mean young guy. We found out later that he was only 18 and only had graduated from high school a month ago.

This guy, could play almost anything, The Beatles, Billy Joel, you name it, he could play almost anything and without sheet music - it was quite impressive. It was hard to miss an older guy sitting at a table by himself enjoying the music, I thought it was his dad, but ended up being his uncle. Although I am not sure if his uncle was there to help carrying the stuff in and out or if he was there just to enjoy the music, you could tell he was enjoying himself and it brought great pride to me knowing that I want to do those same things and support my children with what they decide to do when they are older.

It was a great escape for me indeed to meet up with a bunch of guys for our monthly ritual to go out and "relax" after our meeting. This month, the meeting was cancelled, but we all agreed we needed to still have our "meeting". I really have not had much of a connection with others since the middle of last year when all of this started to go into a downward spiral. It is nice to get out with the guys and talk about things that really when you look at it are important at the time, but with a little help from a friend solutions seem to be found.

It is usually toward the end of the night, but someone usually asks how everything is going, which generally leads into other questions about what is going on, or how the process works, or even about the supplies that occupy my entry way closet. Those small simple conversations are usually my release to help me feel better about everything that is going on. There is something about explaining it to others that helps me realize, that "hey, this isn't so bad and can certainly be worse!!"

Thanks for the conversation and company guys and a big thanks for helping me find an outlet to get it all out!!

My Big Fat Feet

Vanity has gotten the better of me. I surprisingly have adjusted to just about everything, everything but the way my feet look when I am retaining water. Probably more noticeable are my ankles which swell to a size bigger than grapefruit.

I really thought that I would be caught up in the tubing protruding from my stomach. I thought that would be the 1 and only thing I would have to overcome with this process, but when I look down and see my feet, it really bothers me. Actually I have adapted to the tubing pretty well and I really only notice that when I am doing an exchange.

I do have great news and that is I was approved to do nighttime dialysis. This means that I will be able to hook up to a machine at night and have dialysis while I am sleeping. By having this done, I will not have to do exchanges during the day, which means I can get back to a little more normal of a life instead of being hooked up to an IV pole 4 times a day!!!!

I know I will adjust to the whole swollen feet thing in time, and within a few weeks my life will be a little more normal until my transplant. I am thankful I am able to hold onto the little things and small victories as they come my way!!!

The Clock is ticking...

Not only is the clock ticking for me while I am on the transplant list, there is another clock... the clock of Medicare. Although I am eligible now to go on Medicare, after I have been on dialysis for 30 months, I am forced to take Medicare as my primary health insurance.

I think that it is great that there are systems in place to help people with the high cost of health care, I have a difficult time understanding why I have to take Medicare when I already have health insurance. The good news is I still get to keep my current health care, but it will drop to my secondary coverage.

The upside that I see is that I will have more coverage, not yet understanding what it is, or how the coverage will affect me. From what I understand, for the cost of of dialysis it is wonderful. As far as what else it covers, I am not sure, I hope it is also wonderful.

The downside is that when I am forced into the Medicare coverage, I am also forced into paying the premium for the coverage, so I will have the joy of paying for two health insurance coverages. I could drop my current coverage, but then my family will go without health insurance, since I am the only one eligible for the Medicare coverage.

Like I said, I am glad that there are systems in place to help with the high cost of health care, but to be forced into a program that I do not want is something I do not agree with. In my opinion, the coverage should be for people who are not on a company plan and would be declined if they applied for an individual plan.

That Feeling

I was standing at the deli counter at the grocery store when all of a sudden that feeling came over me. I had only had that feeling one other time, but it was at home and things are different when you don't have the security of being home. I took my sweatshirt off and tried the best I could to shrug it off since I was still in the beginning phase of grocery shopping. I received everything I requested and at that time knew I was not going to be able to finish the rest of the shopping.

I was standing there with the cart having the produce and deli items checked off my list with a bunch of stuff yet to purchase and with Tucker looking at me as innocently as possible when I had no idea what to do. I knew I had to do something and somewhat quickly or I was going to fall over. The rush of heat over me and light headedness, I had to sit down. I surveyed the area and could not see a chair any where in sight, if only I had turned around I would have seen a whole area of tables and chairs, after all I was in the deli area where some people go in to eat. This soon to be embarrassing situation could have been avoided.

After what seemed like forever, I decided to go over out of the way and just sit on the floor. I looked up at Tuck and he was just sitting there, smiling and hanging out. It was not long when a manager who was taking inventory had come over to me and asked if I was OK and asked if I would like some water, I accepted and another lady had come over to comfort Tuck and stay with me while the manager went to get the water.

After a couple of minutes, I was feeling better and the manager had offered a rushed check-out and have someone help me get to my car. I was feeling better as I started walking to the register and the manager had said, "I'm Terri a manager here". I thanked her for everything while we were walking and told her my name and explained my situation. I got to the register and checked out and made my way home.

When I got home, I was feeling a lot better, but still had the need to lie down. On the way home, Tuck had fallen asleep, and I could only feel for the little guy. Here we were on a Saturday outing and the next thing he knew, I was sitting on the floor and he had strangers talking to him. It is one thing for me to have to go through this, and for me and my family to make sacrifices, but that was a little too much for me.

I guess it is just another thing to add to my list of limitations. I know it is not a big thing, but the opportunity to take a solo trip out with one of the kids is something that is fun and exciting and what parent does not like to hang out with their kids one on one? I understand this is not a forever thing, just temporary, but I am looking forward to becoming normal again.

Being Average

I have had a lot of progress in the last week, I am now flying solo with my dialysis exchanges!! I do 4 of them a day and to be honest, like everything else, this will take a little time getting used to. The biggest hurdle I need to get over is my confidence. I spent the last week doing the exchanges over and over again, but doing them at home somehow is different for me.

It is not hard to do, and really not nearly as time consuming as I thought they would be. I have found the most challenging things to be getting the bags to the proper temperature and getting all the required supplies. Now gathering the supplies is not much of a challenge as to remember to get everything the first time.

The funniest thing that has happened is Torre comparing me to a new born baby this morning. She said "think about it, you are now on a whole new schedule, a new eating schedule, and you have to do the exchanges (comparing it to changing a diaper change), you are like a new born baby!!" It cracked me up and helped lighten my mood, as much as this is a difference in my life and as I adapt, she helps me see the brighter side of things!!

As for the exchanges, they take less than an hour to complete, which includes getting what I need, draining and then filling again. I think once I become proficient with it, I can get it down to 30 to 45 min which I don't believe is bad at all.

The next milestone I have to look forward to is after about 6 weeks, there is a chance I can get on a machine that will do the exchanges for me overnight, so then I will just hook up at night and unhook in the morning. Most people qualify for this type of treatment and as the nurse said yesterday, I am "average". Average meaning that I drain and fill in an adequate time period and I am pulling off an adequate amount of fluid each time, which is what they seem to be happy with. If this is what it means to be "average", then I am happy to be just that Average!!

Perspective

I had the opportunity to participate in a candle light vigil tonight to help raise awareness for Organ and Tissue donation. It brought it home to me that this is so much bigger than I am. As people got up and told their story of how organ donation has touched their lives and with my wife's eyes filled with tears I was so humbled.

I recently went back and read each of my blog posts and it seems that I am pretty repetitive. The message I would like to send, is that no matter what situation you are in, your outlook is the most important. I have friends and know people who are going through some pretty tough stuff, and if you ask them they think what I am going through is much more difficult, but when I hear what they are going through I think they are going through much more difficult times.

For me, as I have said before there is an end to what I am going through, sure, it may take a little time, but it is there. Unfortunately, I have some friends who are going through relationship struggles some of which either are or have resulted in divorce. Other friends have struggled with life threatening disease and illness who toe the line daily with living and dying.

That is why I say to me it all about perspective with the situation you are facing. Keep your chin up and face whatever it is you have to face head on with the best attitude you can - it will make a difference in the end result!! You can do anything you want and as I always say, "The only thing that can limit you is your own imagination!!"