Saturday, February 26, 2011

The dad machine

Looking in from the outside you can see a red suction cup on the full length glass door. Attached to the the suction cup is a thin white string and it leads to a funny looking contraption. The funny looking object is a combination of a television and radio that is some how joined to work together.

It takes a little bit of time to figure out where I am and what is going on. It dawns on me I am at the house I grew up in, but like most dreams how they merge objects and scenarios into one I realize that I am on the deck of my current house and I am looking in the glass door that I can look out any time that I want right now. The furniture inside is the furniture that I currently sit on. The 2 main differences are 1. the house is different and 2. I am no longer among the living.

This is my utopia, the ability to spend my eternity watching over my two beautiful children and my wonderful wife. What makes it better is the suction cup with the white string leading to the "dad machine" that Tucker has created to look in on me when he misses me. This is the one creation that is able to stay in place where all others are put away by the end of the day.

This was one of the very vivid experiences I had in the Neuro ICU.

I remember it so well, almost too well. Before I had my seizures, I thought I had made my peace with this world. When I say this I hope it is understood that if I happen to pass away into the next world that I would be OK with it and ready for it to happen. It turns out that I am not sure I have made all the peace.

I say this because the same night I experienced my utopia, I also experienced what my total nightmare would be to spend my eternity. The nightmare experience would be to spend my eternity trapped in one place forever not being able to move only looking at the same thing forever. It happened to be the ceiling over the bed I was in at ICU. It did not help that the nurse taking care of me that particular night was wearing all red, or that I was "leathered" to the bed but that is for another day.

I came to call this the night I experienced purgatory. What a relief I had when I was talking to my clergy about this experience and they explained to me that our faith does not believe in purgatory - whew!!

Friday, February 18, 2011

It's only 3 1/2 hours

I've been trying to avoid this for as long as possible, but the time has come that if I do not add another entry here, I might as well turn it off all together - so here goes you'll have to let me know what your thoughts are if it should continue......

The room is different and the people there are different. I'm not sure how different, but it is different. For one the room is different - it's smaller and there are not as many chairs. The staff is different too - there are not as many people and the way they carry themselves is much different. Even the time of day is different - now I go in the afternoon rather than the morning.

After I spent 12 days in the hospital, 10 in ICU and 2 in step-down, the doctor wanted to change things up a little. He changed a lot of things, the location, my medications, the time of day, even the doctor that I see. All of them seem to have made a difference - but things are different. After 3 weeks, I know things are different, I am just still trying to figure out if they are different in a good way or bad.

I am looking at it as I only have to be there for 3 1/2 hours, well, it's actually a little more with the hook-up and disconnect it ends up being about 4 hours - but I still only look at it as about 3 1/2 hours, I guess it's the optimist in me. I get to dissolve into life and watch a 6 inch TV, listen to other patients talk to the TV or even catch a little shut-eye at times on good days, either way you look at it I do feel better and do not have the head aches like I did before.

It surprises me that I look at things the way I do now, I had quite an experience while I was in the hospital - which will have to wait for another entry or most likely a face to face conversation. Its too long to put here, but lets just say it involves hallucinations and even being "leathered-down" everyone who came to visit me had the enjoyment of listening to me rattle off the experience while I was a little drugged up which probably made it that much more enjoyable to listen to.

I know I have changed since my 12 day stay at Riverside, I just hope I have not lost whatever I had before. Things have also influenced me since things have changed with my chair time, but like I have told my new techs - it's only 3 1/2 hours...