My Honest Truth

My faith is being tested and I'm scared, I'm concerned, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm not sure what to do. I try my best to be positive and optimistic about life and what I am going through. I have had 2 kidney transplants, I am on dialysis for the second time, I have had seizures and countless surgeries. My faith is being tested because I am still waiting to hear if I will be allowed a 3rd kidney transplant. I wish dialysis never existed, I wish nephrologists never existed, I wish kidney failure never existed - I'm scared. I have support from my family and my friends which I am so very thankful for, however, sometimes it is a burden. I feel that I always have to be positive but the truth is, there are times by myself I break down and I feel like I am letting people down. I struggle when people say that I am an inspiration to them for my attitude towards what I am going thru. With social networks these days and everyone posting everything about everything, I get caught up in posting the good things in my life - I'm guilty. My honest truth is that I HATE dialysis, I HATE how I feel after my dialysis treatment, I HATE that my family has to make sacrifices for me, I HATE that I have to take medicine everyday, I HATE that I have to watch the food that I eat and monitor the fluid I drink. This is a part of my life and although I have accepted it and live with it - I HATE IT!! After my second transplant, I was coming home from a work conference and admitted to a colleague that I wasn't sure if I would ever do dialysis again. I felt comfortable confiding in her because she had also been through what I have been through; dialysis, 2 kidney transplants etc. Now I am on dialysis again with the hope of the approval of getting back on the transplant list for a 3rd time - I'm concerned. The thought of living on dialysis the rest of my life is hard for me. I know I can do it however I'm not sure I want to. I have a beautiful and supportive wife and 2 wonderful children and I struggle with what they are going trough for me. I feel selfish with my thoughts that if I were to stop dialysis treatments. Is it the right thing to do? For my children to grow up without me, for my wife to have to raise them without me, I'm selfish - I'm not what to do. I pray for the approval for a 3rd transplant and put this behind me. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be honest. My faith is being tested and I'm scared. I'm angry and frustrated that I have to go through this again. I'm not giving up and that is My Honest Truth.